Looking through some old stuff to make some space on here. Brought back some memories. It got me thinking.. If I never met Lisa, I would be dead by now. My depression has not gone away, but I've been feeling much better than in the past. While a part of me wishes I died, I'm glad to be alive today. I'm glad I got to meet amazing people. For the longest time, I was stuck in the same place. Going nowhere. By staying alive, my mom loosened her grip, and I was finally able to experience life. I met you guys. I went to Warped Tour. I got to dance with the Indians at the State Fair and embrace my heritage. I finally got to ride roller coasters. I got to pet stingrays. I went to Texas twice. I've been to WWE events at least five times now. I found BTS and was able to go places I never went; New York City. New Jersey. And finally, their concert. I was also able to get my confidence back.
The reason I am distant is because for yeaaarrss, nobody was there for me. People talk to me when I'm happy. And when I need someone, they disappeared. I learned that if people don't care enough to help me through, then the only person who has my back is me. I learned to be my own best friend. It took years for me to realize that it was all for the best. We can't expect other people to babysit us all the time. In order to be happy, we have to be our own hero. If someone wants to be a good friend, awesome. If not, fuck it. Don't focus on people; Focus on yourself. People leave all the time. At the end of the day, you only have yourself, and that has to be enough.
I just want to say that I don't think depression always goes away. I think as the years pass by, you have new experiences and new opportunities. I think life does become easier to deal with. I believe that there will be moments in life worth living for, even if it isn't all day, every day. I think it's important to appreciate even the little things in life. Life isn't easy. We don't need to make it worse by kicking ourselves down every time something goes wrong. Sometimes the only thing getting in our way is ourselves. It's easier to stay down so you don't have to keep putting in the effort and being pushed back. If you stay down, there's not even a chance things will be better. As exhausting as everything may be, at least with effort, your life won't always be dark. I'm glad that I was able to let go and allow myself to be happy. You can remain in a dark corner and cry over and over for attention, but it clearly has not gotten me anywhere. I wanted people to know I was hurting inside. I wanted to see what they would do. I wanted to see my mom put in the effort to find out what depression is, and how to be there for me. I wanted my mom to talk me into getting a therapist. I wanted my mother to hug me and comfort me when she saw I cut "worthless" into my arm (I didn't want her to see it. I forgot it was even there when I woke up.) . None of that ever happened. I realized then that the only person who will get help for me is me.
I hope you guys with depression will give in and seek help for yourself. To take better care of yourself. It's scary at first. That being said.. depression is a common thing. Many people go through it. Therapists and doctors will be understanding. They're there to help you when nobody else can. Lean into it.